The Question

Diary,

Sometimes, there are some faces which are as much known as they are unknown amongst many other faces in the crowd , they are a part of your life and yet they aren't. Those old classmates who were separated into other sections as the seniority increased , those few familiar places who travel in the same local as you and get down next after your stop , etc. These people know more than your face, they know or have an idea about the phase behind it too. So a slight change here or there and they can sense it. However, they choose not to get entangled in its complications hence they remain in as the observer.

I am thankful to get in touch with one such person who had parted ways long back. For she was my classmate in my junior days and then as we progressed to the senior wing , the sections changed and we diverged. In a way, it's good that we didn't spend our childhood stuck to apps and sites ; a line from a recent conversation with her extolls why-

Manpreet - All's same Shruti, it's us that has changed over the years...

And then after reading this, somewhere between the sands of time I searched for the footprints of memories! All I could feel at that time were the merging barriers of tears and smile.

We met after a decade I guess , at a cafe near the school. After getting updated on our recent phase in life and sharing the same concerns, fears and jokes here were two girls who were on a deliberate time travel to go back to the uniform days. As I went to order our selection from the menu, a man deliberately pushed his way even when the cafe was relatively empty and spacious. Manpreet had lost it and was about to say something when I motioned her to silence. I said nothing to the man and placed the order to come back to a perplexed face on the table.

M : (infuriated) Why didn't you say something to him?
S : Does it even matter? These type of people never change.
M : But what made you change into this?
S : (Confused) What do you mean by "into this" Manpreet ?
M : I have been your classmate at a time when it was some of the best days of our lives and then later on a batchmate too. I was always inspired by your attitude and the student that you were. You were that girl to me who was the fighter, the one who could confidently voice her opinion and that born leader. You were that girl to me Shruti ! I still remember that one incident which made me realise all those and much more . Anyways , I don't know what has transpired in between all these years , but I don't find that girl in you anymore. Where's that spark yaar?

That question set me thinking, pulling me into a deep spiral of introspection and retrospection. In those few minutes , I was frantically searching for the answers , the telltale signs and why does this question matter now. As if reading my mind , she pulled my hand and said , this question matters a lot not because it asks for existence, it asks for a meaningful one. She left me at the table with that one question.

I couldn't tell her , the spark that she was searching was now a doused fire whose grey ashes and smoke had clouded my vision. The spark had, at one time become a fire - a fire which had engulfed the people around me and most importantly a few cherished friends in my already lonely world. I couldn't tell her that being on top of the ladder meant being alone. I couldn't tell her that facing the growing number of enemies day by day without anyone by my side was growing tiresome , that this journey had started long ago and it was getting difficult to move ahead anymore. All this had slowly made me forget about that spark inside me because it was easier to fall in the mediocrity of conformity.

However, sitting in a cafe her question made me question my decision - Is this where I went wrong? Is this Shruti really different from that Shruti ? What did this change earn me ? I realised that in all this I couldn't see my growth-  however, a superficial apparent growth was there but it wasn't the real growth which would be progressive. But am I the only one to blamed entirely? Is this one of the reasons where I would break down at times due to dissatisfaction from my own self and not experience an inner calm ?

Her question led me to a lot more questions and I am still trying to find the answers!

Your Shruti "?"